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April 21, 2018

Dead Giveaways - A Guide To Safe After-Living

 

Espiritus Geist

 

So, you went toward the light. Or you didn’t. 

 

Either way, welcome to the first day of the rest of your death. 

 

Time’s shifty on this side, being a man-made rule and everything. 

 

If you’re not done bugging the living, pass this guide to the ghost nearest you and good luck haunting your target during their natural lifespan. 

 

If you don’t want the living bugging you, here are five warning signs those bloody humans are after your eternal soul:

 

I) Summonings 

 

Embodied voices chanting in your ears is the big sign the living are trying to suck you back in. Beware visions of pentagrams, circles, and family heirlooms, as these are also involved with summoning spirits like you. Cling to the nearest non-ectoplasmic material to retain your ethereal form. Or if you are a poltergeist, simply carry a solid object like a rock or a piece of clothing with you. You can also wear it, if that is more your style.

 

II) Mediums

 

Women and men who communicate with the un-living will not need anything other than language to try and sucker you back to reality. Temptation is their modus operandi; luring you with insults, appeals, and three-way-lines to other humans are all easily avoided. Ignore the buggers.

 

III) Technological contraptions

 

Flesh-renters never did manage to invent suitable abodes for the souls they seek. This is never more evident than when the living jury-rig suction devices, buzzing rods, and spring-loaded boxes (not unlike mousetraps) to catch us. Such tech is easily avoided. Simply do not approach them if you see them. If one is strapped to a living human and he or she assaults you, drift away. Drifting away doesn’t help if the sodding human’s time is flowing faster than yours. You will only appear to be sucked in more slowly. 

 

IV) Prayers

 

The list of deities the living pray to is endless, but you can always spot a prayer drifting through the veil by its massive tug on your heartstrings. These are most dangerous to the newly un-living as they may still have a functioning heart on the other side. (Or you may have been a heartless bastard in your previous life, in which case, you’re immune, and a hearty congratulations to you.) The more time that has passed since your passing, or the more desiccated your heart is, the less threatening prayers are. 

 

V) Jolts to the chest

 

(Not to be confused with the aforementioned massive tug on your heartstrings.) Jolts to the chest are often sudden, increase their intensity over time, and come from a technological contraption known as a defibrillator. Much like the prayer, these are most dangerous to those who just crossed the veil. The choice to return is mostly out of your hands with regards to being jolted in the chest. If your flesh-rental immediately starts up again, please disregard this guide the next time you cross over. If your resist re-entering your flesh-rental, you may be trapped in a comatose state, in which case, see the second sentence of the disclaimer below. By the time you read this paragraph, you should have felt any jolts to the chest, as they would have been administered already. No, I am not trying to keep you on this side of the veil. Yes, the mention of defibrillators belongs in this paragraph and not in the third.

 

Disclaimer: Espiritus Geist nor any associated pennames are responsible for preventing unpreventable events, or teaching you how to haunt the living. We cannot hold your hand through things, and your consequences are the result of your choices, which may or may not include respecting the writings of Espiritus Geist herein. Any danger or harm to your eternal soul is the result of your after-living choices to haunt the living. Or the result of your choices on who to infuriate during your natural lifespan.

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